She spoiled me like Queen’s only know its pleasures. Adorning me with gifts. The tangible offerings is what were offered to prey on my affections, to keep me bound. I always happily accepted, because behind every gift delight surrounded her essence. Watching her joy unwrapping within her eyes, while watching me unwrapping mine, are times in space gravity is born. I became enchanted by the glitter encompassing her inner child that insisted on playing. She is, I have found, the most unpredictable then. I never knew what playful trick she had up her sleeve; my inner child could not tame the nerves entangled with excitement and wariness. Was it Lilith, the child, coming out to play, or Lilith the adult luring me in for a quick snack. When Mercury, the trickster, is at his peak, Saturn must anticipate closely.
I made the mistake by asking for gifts money could not buy; Her time and her love. Far too consumed by how strongly I felt for her, and distracted by the strumming of the harp Cherubs played, I failed to notice I misplaced my sense of logic which, in time, followed with bereavement.
All good things do come to an end.
I gathered all the breadcrumb memories that she left with me and preserved them. There is enough to scatter a trail to allow her to find her way back to me, should it ever come to that, but I know better to leave traces. I have before, and it was met with the same differences. How could I expect different results by continuously knocking my head against the wall, when I could not offer myself a brief moment of respite? I had struggled to come to terms that our relationship had lack-lusted and nothing was going to salvage us.
Nothing is what is left over.
The perfect picture I saw at first, had never developed a frame to support it. My love for her eventually turned into becoming-accustomed-to-her-way of doing things. I could never fully express myself to her, nor could I truly be myself. I was seated firmly in a controlled environment and confused it as love. None of this I accuse her solely of.